Don't be Fine.

As much as I try to be candid with my words the truth of the matter is I hide behind it. I hide because I am scared of judgement like most of you are. However, today I want to let my guard down, because it does not make sense to be half halfheartedly honest, it does not make sense to preach being yourself if at times you are so afraid to be you.

In my page, my life you will see that I support a lot of things anti-bullying, feminism, equality, happiness and mental health. I have my reasons, my experiences and whole lot more to credit for the way I am today, the reason I support the things I support and here is what I want to tell you.

This truth may not be what you are looking for, but my hope for any of my blog articles has been an escape for me and maybe happiness, comfort and joy for you.

Since a very young age I have felt pain, and this pain may not entirely be of the same context as yours or the same intensity and frequency. But pain is pain and it hurts. Meanwhile, I have also seen bad days and what I thought were bad days until I saw worse. In this time here, I have bared witness to lots, just like most of you have. So, this one goes out to all of you who are suffering, hurt, lost, confused for whatever reason. This one goes out to those who are in pain.

Don't Wear Your Pain 

Just because you are in pain, you don't have to act, live and be in pain. A lot of people know my story just like a lot of people know yours, friends, family and relatives. They listen when I share but in return some expect too,  you may ask what they might expect in a time like that? They expect that I act out the pain, they say  things like "wow! I never thought you have so much going on". The truth is I do, did and will have something going on for the rest of my life but that does not mean I have to plaster it on my face. Pain is real, raw but it is mostly always private. Your pain is a part of you but it does not have to define you.

Don't be Positive 
Don't be positive.Just be comfortable. Some people are so ferociously intent on being positive frankly its almost sickening. They shoo away their feelings, get uncomfortable around true human emotions. They basically want to function us clown robots. But, when you have emotions why not use them?
Human beings are given emotions to feel, to be, to express, to witness, why fight it. Do not fit into the idea of someone's pain. Find your own.If yours mean sulking for a day or two and picking yourself up, do it.


I say these two things to you because I know how it feels to force happiness when you don't want to. I know what it is like act fine when you are really not. So, today I tell you to be  okay of  not being okay, I am not okay, to feel what you feel, as I try and find out my definition of pain.

I leave you at that. If you are not fine you are not fine, know one should make you feel bad for it.

Lots of love <3 

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How BAD is your luck?

People refer to luck as if it’s momos being handed out by an overly picky aunt, like you get lots but the cousin she hates gets very little. Come on we all know that one person who shows their favoritism through food ;) However, The idea of luck has always perplexed me, who decides how good or bad the persons luck really is? What are the parameters of luck?

Recently my cousin could not go to specific country to study cause of her visa issues, hence she decided to go somewhere else, like her dear old sister J However, since everything here revolves around a visa the aunties sat behind a round table discussion and went to town with how bad the 19 year old luck was.

To me this bad luck did not make sense, why would a rejected visa be considered that? Why the difference in opinion between the aunties and  I? Then it hit me, it was not truly that my cousin was bitten by the bad luck bug but instead the aunties simply did not understand where her life was heading and labelled it that. 

Don't we always do this? Feel sorry for people who are in fact quite inspiring? Who have struggles and illnesses but try, are happy, defying the rules, conquering their world in their own terms?

We want people to rue in their bad luck, bathe in it. In fact, take a glass of wine with them and sit their bathing in the bubble bath of bad luck. But. Just because we want them to, does not mean they have to. A person who is said to have "bad luck" or "hardships" does not need to live the way you imagine they should. They do not need to sob, cry and curse their so called luck.

Yes, for you it may be bad luck, for the person facing the so called ""luck an opportunity, new perspective, experiment or a lesson. Let us not label what we fail to understand as bad luck, not everyone’s life journey needs to make sense to us.

So, how much would you think now before labeling something as bad luck?

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If you have a fear of happiness...................................(Read this)

It is called Cherophobia, the fear of joy in life and it is not an insane thing to have.

FEAR OF JOY 

It happened almost suddenly I was very happy about something, I do not remember why I was happy but  I remember this fear made feel. I was anxious and it did not make sense, "normal people" would not be thinking of such in that moment,  my life was going exactly as planned, I may have achieved something, had love in my life or a purpose I always had fear, but the fear of it being "too good to be true", the fear that "it may not be the same after a time passes." robbed me of the happiness. I was scared of being happy because past had taught me that it may not last.

I was just waiting for all of it to go to Sh** because well that was what I had witnessed in the past. Anxieties would rise up and the so called happy moment would be a cause of concern. In a "great moment" I would start wondering, "how much would this last?" "I hope this last ", instead of just taking in all in and enjoying the opportunity to appreciate it.

STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PAST FOR ANSWERS

The power of not thinking, not analyzing and connecting the dots is immense, why ? Because we often look for reference when we want to make sense of something or  in this scenario why a person was scared in such a happy time? This question sends triggers all over and the mind goes deep with in pull something applicable from our past.

 But, it turns out learning lessons from the past is not always that great.  Yes, this is contrary to what most people say, learn from your past! never repeat them mistakes, but don't you? and don't you go "UGH! I should not have I known better?" Yes we all have. So it turns out learning from the past does not always work, you do not always learn and it may even not be good for you.

YOU DO YOU BOO! 

We have to do what suits us, not follow formulas and rules that other people give. I was reading Robin Sharma's book once and the celebrated author just did not click with me, Not saying he was not right and that I was wrong. I just could not relate. I tried hard to finish that book because I had heard such good things about it. But I just could not. A book that was supposedly giving me reasons to live was making me want to kill myself (not literary). It was frustrating! Then I just stopped reading that book. It was good decision, I stopped putting pressure on myself to love something that I in fact hated.

YOU ARE NOT AN EXCEPTION !

Now coming back to the whole reason I told you this facade of a story, you and I maybe different, we may have fears about happiness but that does not mean there is not something to help us. The power of not thinking did what Robin Sharma could not get me do. I realized making sense and diving into the pool of my past was simply making me resent my present happiness. It does not have to be that one way. If you feel fear during happiness, thinking to yourself "is my fear of happiness right now  cause of my past?" If the answer is yes probably that is not path worth venturing into.

We must stop thinking we are an exception, we were not just chosen for unhappiness despite of what the past says, we were given equal opportunity to be happy.  It is and was  only a matter of how we use it, stuck in the past or by living in the present.

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Are you scared of criticism and praise? If so.................................................(Read This)

Marketing yourself is a skill I am still trying to master. The problem is  not that I do not know how to market my work but doing so makes me feel like I am "saying too much" or that "all that I have done is because people have helped me". 

It was only recently that someone special spoke to be about the  impostor syndrome that made me wonder if I have it. Yes, I resonated with the google definition of the term so I am guessng there is much more to that. 

The impostor syndrome, what is it? It's when an individuals does not have the ability to internalize their achievements. When this person has success, they are quick to to attribute it to luck and timing, often belittling everything they do. The word impostor here implies that when you and I work, we feel that we do not deserve the success, hence we have this fear of being exposed, someone will look through us and start believing what we believe, that we do not deserve our success. Am I making up Impostor syndrome? I wish, personalities like Kate Winslett and Tina Fey have openly talked about being or feeling like an impostor so did Dr Chan, Chief of World Health Organization. Hence, you very well know I am not making this up! 

Many of us have trouble admitting our successes and taking compliments,  phrases like " Aw thanks but its not all that great! ", "Stop it!" shoots right out almost like a reflex. But when someone points out our short comings, we compromise our sleep, lives and everything in between to convince ourselves that they were right. 

The problem with people like us is we like to look for "reasoning" in everything. Reasons why we succeeded and reasons on why people may have criticized us.  

Why did that thing in the past become successful? Why did people like it? Why did I win that?

SUCCESS IS JUST SUCCESS 

But,  what we need to know is it was successful because it was successful. The more we try to give reasons to our successes the more the impostor in us jumps out, telling us "No, your not good at what you do, it was only because someone helped you, or it was fluke, or that the timing was right." All these self defeating doubts only prompt you to work in a manner that makes you fall short of what you are expected to do. You start becoming scared, you refuse to define yourself with work. 

You are not a blogger, you just write sometimes, you are not an artist, you just do some sketches. All though people admire our work, for what it is which is good work. The problem was not that people did not believe in us, it was because we did not believe in our self. 

HOW TO STOP BEING AN IMPOSTOR?

How do we stop this from affecting us? How do we silence the impostor in us?

Stop giving success a name, just look at it as a result of work you put in, think of what you could have done instead of doing that work, but you choose work. Many people would choose other things but you still choose work, success is just your work talking nothing less nothing more. 

And then the criticism comes along, and we do what we know best we attach reasoning by asking questions "Why did he or she say that about me?" "Why did he feel that?" "Am I doing something to make him feel like that?", the answer to these questions follow self defeating beliefs.

Next time you find success know that it was you being rewarded for the opportunity cost of perhaps watching netflix or mindlessly being on the internet. It is your reward for putting a few hours of your day for the work you do instead of doing something else. You deserve every bit of your success because you did the work. 

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IF YOU EVER GET AFFECTED BY OTHER PEOPLE AND SITUATION ....................................( READ THIS)

Human moments  

It could be that little snort you let out in your laughter, or that not so great feeling of the  “wind” that sneak up on you ( did I go there) Yes! It is about embracing yourself after all! These human moments that we have are beyond our control, they are just part of us and sometimes cause us embarrassment and other times makes us laugh until your stomach hurts.

However, there are other kinds of human moments that we think we have no control over, but we do. Maybe our attempts at controlling it has failed or we just do not know how to handle it, whatever it may be our lives can be heavily influenced by someone. Influence is a wonderful if it’s for the good, but sometimes these influence could cause a lot stress and overthinking which will affect every part of your life.  

Little human moments turn to big ordeals and friendships break, relationships too and at times due to the most trivial thing possible. But this very human moment that causes us to take big and most times wrong steps could be avoided with a very simple reminder, remember that  we are in fact humans.

What do I mean by this? How many of us have made snap judgement about someone? I! and then later realised the  you were wrong ? I. We are so self-involved that we forget that people have moods. When mood swings come things change especially their attitude. We take this very change offensively and at times ruin perfectly good things.  

Next time you let someone affect you, remember this:

- Even the nicest person can have a bad mood

- The attitude in such scenarios are not directed towards us 

- What they feel and say in such moods, they will not even dream of in their high mood. Just        like you

- They are human moment 

- Accept that everyone has moods

Have you read the other embrace you post ?

If you have ever failed at anything
If the fear of embarrasment has ever stoped you from doing something read this

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If you have ever felt helpless and overwhelmed in your life, this is a definite advice you need to follow

The Placebo effect

When I was doing my A levels I took a psychology class there I learnt about the placebo effect at the time I was unaware of how powerful a placebo could be but today it is the one thing that cures helplessness for me.  So what is this magical Placebo effect that completely alters your mood? It is a response to a placebo -- a fake treatment, an inactive substance like sugar, distilled water, or saline solution which can sometimes improve a someone's condition simply because the person has the expectation that it will be helpful.

What? Shut up! So, Sugar cures my helpless? Girl you cray! No, no hear me out.  Maybe what you need is not substances like sugar, although we all have to agree sugar is pretty darn good. Maybe not exactly sugar but you may need your  own mental placebos. A cure for helplessness?

How the Mental Placebo works?

Let me tell you a story from a book I read by Richard Brandler’s the creator of neuro linguistic programming.

 This story was about a patient Mr Richard’s friend was handling, for the sake of this post let us call him Peter.

Peter had a tumor in his brain, his family was told that he had no chances of survival and to take him home to make him "comfortable". However, something strange happened after coming home Peter changed and for the better he showed visible signs of recovery, he was even better than he had been in years. Peter started laughing, talking more and spent his days tending to his garden. Days and weeks past and the dreaded day never followed, instead the sick man was now feeling more alive than ever. Concerned family members took Peter back to the hospital, upon tests it was found that Peter had made a spontaneous recovery. 

The family members were shocked but Peter simply said this “ I thought  I was sent home cause they cured me”.  You see, Peter thought the reason for him coming home was because he had gotten better, not because he was dying and hence acted accordingly. The placebo effect here was Peter becoming more healthy because he simply believed that he was. But, there were no sugar pills, distilled water or an experiment going on here so what was his Placebo? His thoughts, he believed and so he became and although perhaps in this story realistically Peter’s medical reports were misread and maybe wrongly diagnosed, he initially did come to the doctor thinking he had a sickness and feeling sick, but then left with the placebo of thinking he was better, resulting in the effect of him actually acting better.

 
 Create your own placebo effect:

 

So, now let me give you every day scenarios,  let’s say you are dealing with a tough situation that is making you feel helpless…

One day because you think you can solve the problem, you react positively, feel blessed and are happy and if not neutral.  

But,  then you have days where you react the exact opposite to the same problems, you fret, complain, feel helpless, alone.

Why?

Same situation, same you then why is it that you get such different days?  Because of your placebo, because one day your placebo is thoughts of hopefulness and the other day it is the thought of helplessness.

Hence, what will it be? Which placebo will you be taking today ?

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